From The Anniston Star of 11/24/2019. Click this link to see the letter.
For the most part, I’m only linking to previously-published letters and columns here if I have something to say about them. Most such things will appear, without commentary, on my other blog, where I am trying to promote them for reprint in more publications.
I do have updates for things mentioned in this letter.
The reference to fellow (for now) Annistonians, and to Annexit: in mid-to-late 2019, a coalition of citizens attempted to split the 4th Ward of Anniston off into either a free-standing city or to make it part of Oxford. I won’t go into the details of why they did this, but the attempt ultimately failed due to lack of support. While the attempt was ongoing it did spark a lot of discussion locally. The name “Annexit” was a riff on the term “Brexit” which referred to Great Britain’s decision to leave the European Union (since completed, just a day or so before the date of this blog post).
“Impeachment” refers to the then-ongoing attempt to impeach President Trump. He was eventually impeached by the U.S. House of Representatives, and then he was promptly acquitted by the U.S. Senate.
“Bama possibly not making the playoff” was there because, after being ranked 1st or 2nd nationally all year, a few weeks before this letter was published Alabama lost to LSU (the eventual national champion) and fell to 5th, one place out of the 4-team playoff. Hope was still alive on November 24. They might have played their way back into the top 4, but the week after this letter Alabama lost to Auburn in The Iron Bowl and fell out of playoff contention. Alabama finished 11-2 and won The Citrus Bowl. In other words, a horrible year by Alabama standards.
The final update is on the main joke itself. This letter was written a couple of months before COVID-19 was on the scene, and about four months before the pandemic caused widespread shutdowns and other changes in behavior. I thought about sending in a retraction, for I would not lovingly caress bananas (or any other produce) in the fashion described in this letter—not in The Time of COVID-19. In fact, I have seen news stories about people being arrested for touching produce that they did not intend to buy (though they were not influenced to do so by my letter, and in fact they were touching it in ways obviously intended to transmit germs and viruses, such as by rubbing spit on it). And so here we have a letter that is dated not only by its references to then-current events, but the main joke itself is something I would never suggest during a pandemic. In fact, I would actually recommend the very technique against which I rail in the letter: drive-by snatching.
My, how things change.
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